November 18, 2016

Why Me and Tequila Aren't Friends

This is for every girl who has ever accidentally sent a thumbs up while re-reading through old facebook messages, who sent a voice memo to a guy while talking about him, or who has ever jumped to conclusions because you saw a photo on facebook. Girl, I have been there countless times... I am practically the mayor of Creep Town.

On today’s edition of How Can Brooke Possibly Make a Fool of Herself More, we have the case of the facebook stalk and the two+ cups of jungle juice. Let me set the scene for you: frat party where I oh so don’t belong, four shots and a bahama momma deep (lol my love for Malibu runs strong yall), and nobody warned me or my bestie about the jungle juice.

It all started out fine, I even had warned my friend not to leave me alone with this guy. You see it took months but I was over him like 100% you could magically place him and a girl making out in front of my path and I wouldn’t even flinch.Well low and behold Brooke and her jungle juiced up self found herself alone with said guy and decided it was time to make like usher and lay out my confessions. This is where it gets real embarrassing real quick. I proceed to admit to hard core facebook stalking this specific girl in his life. I then proceed to accuse him (with no actual grounds to even have a problem with it) of sleeping with said girl. Oh don’t you worry: I didn’t just end it there no I then proceeded to give a detailed account of said things I stalked.
Drunk me described in perfect detail the photo that started the obsession, “no you clearly were in a photo with her where you were shirtless with a towel around your neck. I saw it!” IN PERFECT DETAIL, I’m not proud of this but I could probably describe her eyeshadow and the color of her shirt… v embarrassing. This is truly going to be me admitted how crazy and good I am at facebook creeping but did I mention that he was not tagged in the photo... nope. I found this photo all on my own resources and just admitted it, nothing says "hey it's been a while!" quite like hey I've stalked you and your fb friends religiously for months.

Don’t worry it spirals still- this boy proceeds to go and get this girl to prove they in fact did not do the nasty. A little background I did more than hard core creep that one photo. That's right girl, I stalked her entire social media life... twitter (I knew it), facebook (I saw every photo), and instagram (well that's how I knew he took her to formal...) I didn't admit to everything but let's be real here if you admit to creeping just a little you've already admitted to creeping a lot. I admit thanks to all the jungle juice my memory is a little hazy, but the next thing I know there she is in front of me telling me that nothing ever happened. Great I have now admitted to two people that I hard core stalk like I belong to the FBI and one of them had no clue I exist. What an introduction... I am sure I turned as red as the new Starbucks cups, covered my face, and apologized profusely because honestly what do you do when you're faced with that sort of situation??

So friends I write this tale so that you know to stalk wisely and things are often not as they seem. Clearly, sometimes creeping leads you down a deep dark hole where you were sure you had the whole entire story but you were wrong. It's like when I messaged a guy who was flirting with me if he had a girlfriend because those photos seemed like the perfect evidence... basically we can't even trust our own eyes anymore,

Happy Stalking xoxo

3 comments so far

  1. Ahahah super funny post!

  2. Loved reading this post, so funny! I can COMPLETELY relate and I'm just waiting for the day that happens to me !


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